Merry Christmas!
Thank you, ma'am. Merry Christmas!
Thank you. Thank you.
Merry Christmas! Ha ha, ho ho!
Merry Christmas!
Thank you, sir.
And a merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, boy.
Shit. He's got kids.
Dog, cat-- Shit.
That's no good. It's no good.
l- l-l-l-l--
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been two weeks since my last confession.
Is that Bill Firpo?
Uh, yes, Father.
It's been five years since you've been to confession. Is that how you're gonna start?
- I'm sorry, Father. - It's okay.
Father... I found a wallet in the street.
Did you do the right thing?
Well... yes, Father, I did, eventually...
with great difficulty.
I dropped it in the mail.
It had over $800 in it, which I counted many times on the subway.
I feel as if I've ruined my karma, Father...
and that something bad is gonna happen as a result of this transgression.
How many letters is that?
Transgression? Uh... I don't know.
Uh... 13. Why, Father?
Never mind.
- Did you mail the wallet back? - Yes.
I realized, uh... I'm really not that much different than my two brothers.
I can easily be led astray.
- Speaking of which, have you seen tonight's paper? - No. Why?
Well, according to the Post, they may be home for the holidays.
No, that's not possible. They're not up for parole until March.
According to this article, because of overcrowding...
anyone who's eligible for parole through June...
is being considered for an early release.
I'm in big trouble now.
The pterodactyl. It was a lizard back in prehistoric times...
who developed an outside digit of the forelimb which became greatly elongated...
in order to support a winged membrane.
Now, he used this membrane to fly high above his predators...
which you gotta remember, was way back in the Cretaceous period.
And as far as periods go, oh, it was a mother.
- Mr. Firpo. - Uh, yes?
Where's all this going?
Oh. Uh... well, uh...
eh, skipping, skipping, skipping, eh--
What I, uh, I believe is that once released from this prison...
I, much like my reptilian brother, shall take wing...
and fly high above my problems...
never to return!
That's it.
That was very moving, Mr. Firpo.
But the prison psychiatry board says you're incapable of telling the truth.
Well, that's a lie.
Alvin Firpo. You have been labeled a kleptomaniac.
Alvin!
Are you all right, Mr. Firpo?
Okay. How you guys doin'?
My name's Alvin Firpo.
And what I've learned in prison is that robbin' and stealin' and all that horseshit--
There's somethin'that ain't right about it. You know what I mean?
A lot of guys in here disagree with me, but they're servin' time.
I'm up for parole. Connect the dots. Connect 'em.
- So long, fellas. - So long!
- Yeah!
- Fresh air! - Yes, sir.
- So long, Jerry. - Bye, boys.
So long,Jerry. Take it easy.
- Smiley. Smiley, I'm gonna miss ya. - Yeah, right.
- Do me a favor. Get yourself something nice. All right. - Thank you.
- Enjoy it, Smiley. - You stay out of trouble.
- Hey, Bill! How are ya? - All right. Let's start this off on the right foot.
Whatever it is, the answer's no.
''No''? ''No'' what? What are you talking about?
Whatever it is that you want me to do, the answer's no.
- Does that apply to me too, Bill? - No. I got no beef with you.
- You sure? - Yes.
- 'Cause I wouldn't want you to be pissed at me. - No. You're fine.
- Really? There's no problem between us? - There's startin' to be.
- Well, it's nice to see you too. - All right. Let's go see Ma.
Hey, Alvin. I heard the economy was in the shithouse.
- I had no idea. Look at that abandoned car.
- It's my car. - What the-- - Oh. Sorry.
It's, uh-- It's nice.
You gotta be kiddin'!
- Boy, I bet the space shuttle makes less noise.
- Hey, Alvin. I never seen stalactites in a car before.
Stalactites!
I can see nothing's changed.
Yeah, nothin's changed, huh, Dave?
- Alvin, we're free. - That's right. Free as a bird.
Hey, Bill, you think this crate could make it to Pennsylvania?
I got this friend in prison. He's practically on his deathbed.
He asked me to do him this favor. He gave me a letter explaining everything.
Here. You gotta read this.
It'll make you cry.
I detect resistance.
I knew you'd react like that. That's why I got another copy for your future perusal.
You two are on parole. You cannot leave the state. You are in my custody.
You cannot go. So just quiet down, my little one, and call me Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Can we stop and get some Ring Dings and milk?
- Ring Dings and milk? - Ring Dings and milk!
Oh, yeah! Then we can get some balloons, and we can go to the puppet show.
- What are you, two years old? - Oh, well pardonez-moi.
We're not all fancy, upscale restaurateurs like you, Bill.
Fine, fine. Then we'll get some Ring Dings and milk for the child in the back.
- Heh heh! - Yummy, yummy.
Shit!
Idiot!
Come here!
- Hey! - What's the problem?
Come on, l-- What are you--
- No, no! It's all right! Put the money back!
All right, all right, all right, all right!
Policia! Policia!
Get your hand out of your pocket!
Son of a bitch! I'm not with you five minutes, and I'm being chased by cops!
Come here! Up against the wall!
Come here! Come on! Come on!
Get up against the wall! Get up against the wall!
- Come on! - Freeze, goddamn it! I'll shoot!
Sergeant Dickman, off duty, Queens! What is your name, rookie?
- Birdie. - I got the mayor up my ass on account of punks like you!
- So stop jackin' off, get the car and pick up this scum! - Okay.
- Move! - Yes, sir!
You know, Bill, there are 8,000,000 stories in the naked city.
- Not all of them revolve around you. - Come on. Don't hold back, Ma.
That's cream corn. Look at that stuff. One more. Come on. That's delicious.
Can't beat it with a stick. Thank you. Yeah, warm me up. It's great to be home, Ma.
- I miss this little piece of heaven. - Yeah. I missed you, Ma.
I missed you boys too.
You know what else I miss around here?
I miss all the creature comforts we used to have when you boys were around--
VCRs, big-screen TVs.
- You remember? - Yeah.
Boy, you could hardly move in here.
Hardly move! Big-screen TV!
Yeah, I wonder who misses them more-- you or the original owners.
Aw, baloney. Are you sayin' that stuff was stolen?
No, Ma. Dave and Alvin would never steal anything.
They're saints. That car wash robbed itself.
We were at the park all day.
They didn't have a shred of evidence, 'cept for our fingerprints.
What's this?
Oh. You don't wanna read that, Ma. That's a real heartbreaker.
- Yeah, Ma. That's wicked bad. - Mm.
''Dear Dave and Alvin. It's been five years since I've seen my daughter.
As I told you before, she refuses to visit me here.
I'm gettin'old, and I can't stand the thought...
of another Christmas...
going by without seeing her.
Her name is Sarah...
and she's the only thing in the world that means anything...
to me.
I know I'm askin'a lot...
but I would like for you to look her up in that town I mentioned to you...
Paradise, Pennsylvania...
and beg her to come see me.
I know bein' on parole, you're not supposed to leave the state.
But you two bastards owe me for all the shit I've done for you...
and if you don't do it, I promise I will somehow escape from this place...
track you down like dogs...
rip off your heads and shit down your throats.
All my love this holiday season...
Vic Mazzucci.''
Bravo. Oh, come on!
I gotta get out of this loony bin.
How can you ignore a man like this?
Ma, I'm sure he's the nicest killer on ''C'' block, but I really got to get to work.
Look, has anybody seen my wallet?
If your head wasn't screwed on--
Fine. I'm leaving.
- Good evening. May I assist you with your specials tonight? - Yes, waiter.
Actually, I'm the, uh, the manager.
- What exactly is in the bouillabaisse? - I'll call you back.
Well, it's a variety of things, actually.
It's a splendid array of fish, shellfish, garlic, paprika--
Hey! Is my brother doin' a great job?
Oh, we're very proud of him.
Would you please, uh-- Would you please excuse me for a moment?
- What are you doing here? - I'm here to save your life!
- You gotta get out of here. This is where I work. - Yeah, but--
This is where I work. Do not come down here and screw things up, okay?
Whatever it is, we'll talk about it at home.
You don't understand. You can't go home.
Holy shit! They're here already.
Hm. Well, we gotta give these cops one thing, they're efficient.
- What are you talking about? - Your wallet!
- You dropped your wallet at the scene of the crime in the Bronx.
- The cops were at the house. They're askin' Ma questions. - Cops-- Did Ma--
- That's right! I'm here to rescue you. Calm down.
- Me and Alvin borrowed a car. Let's go. - Okay.
Hey! Come on! Let's go!
- Come on! Run! - Hurry up!
Let's get outta here!
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
What's going on at the house? Yeah.
What? You're kiddin'!
Oh, no. You think we should stay out of New York altogether?
Ma, it's Christmas Eve, and we're--
Yeah, well, we're in New Jersey now. That's not far enough away?
Yeah, but, Ma, we want to come home. It's Chri-- Yeah, but we--
All right. All right. Yeah, I'll tell him.
Yeah. I love you too. All right.
Here, Bill. I got you this.
Something to read.
Take your mind off of things.
Can I play-- Hm?
Listen, I got more bad news. Ma says the cops are at the house.
They'rejust drivin'her nuts.
Maybe we can go to Pennsylvania, and Alvin and I could do that favor for our friend...
- and his daughter. - What I'd like to do...
is go back home.
You know, Bill, maybe if we did something for somebody else...
it'd have a way of coming back around for us.
- You set me up. - What?
Is this, uh-- Is this one of your elaborate schemes?
- Oh, come on. Now, would I do that to you? - Dave...
I know how your mind works.
You know exactly what you're doin'...
and the whole time... you stand there...
with this ''Who, me?''...
expression... on your face!
You're doing it right now.
All right. Get in the car. Just get in the car.
Alvin, is it me?
Move!
Look, guys... I'm a sport. I'm here.
You know, and so... do me a favor.
- Let's try to keep this as inconspicuous as possible. - Oh, absolutely.
Timmy!
Merlin, are you okay?
- Easy, Merlin. Easy. Easy. - Very nice, very nice. Another cop.
All right. Let me through there. Timmy, what happened?
- I fell, Dad. - Are you hurt?
I'm all right, Dad. How about Merlin?
Merlin's fine. Merlin's fine.
Hey, I'm real sorry, you know. It's just that, uh, he rode right out in front of us.
I didn't know what to do.
- Is he retarded? - Yeah.
Come here a second.
Look. My boy's a little slow. You understand?
- I'm sure it wasn't your fault. - Anybody hurt?
- No. Everybody's fine, Father Gorenzel. - Oh, good.
- That'd be no way to start Christmas Eve. - Heh! Right.
All right. Back up, everybody. Just go on with your business. There's nothing here to watch.
Thanks. Thanks very much. Thank you. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, boys.
- Is there anything I can do to help you? - Uh, no. I don't think so.
What are you here for, the Winterfest?
Yeah, that and we're looking for a Sarah Mazzucci.
Mazzucci? I don't think there's anybody by the name of Sarah Mazzucci in this town.
As a matter of fact, the only Sarah I know is a Sarah Collins.
- She works right there. - Where?
- Right there. Heh! - Oh.
The town bank.
- Imagine that. - Yeah. Imagine that.
Well, if you get your car out of the way, we'll get the traffic movin'. See ya later. Thank you.
- Well, let's go check it out. - He just said her name was Collins.
Maybe she got married.
Where could she be? Where could she be?
Wait a minute. Hold up. Excuse me.
Those are for the children.
- And the sign says ''Take a pen,'' not ''Take all the pens.'' - Oh.
- Can I have 'em back? - The pen-- It said, ''Take''--
- Come on. - Oh.
- It said on the sign-- - All of them. All of them.
- Give 'em up. - It said-- It said--
Are you all right?
Okay. Okay.
Sarah, honey. All the pens are gone.
- Yeah, I know. I have them right here, Mr. Anderson.
- New customer? - Heh heh!
Sarah?
- Sarah Collins? - Yeah?
- Are you married? - Why? Are you gonna propose?
Yes.
Do I know you?
No. I'm Bill. I apologize for my brother. He's, uh--
Ohh... mentally retarded.
You know, he's a diabetic, and we were afraid he was gonna go into insulin shock.
I said, ''Hey, why don't you go and find yourself...
something sweet?''
- It was nice meeting you. - Yes. It was nice meeting you...
- Nice meeting you. Very nice, Sarah. - Sarah.
Wrong Sarah?
Well, I guess that just depends on how you look at it, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Hey, Bill, don't you just love this old, classic architecture?
Forget it.
- Forget what? - I got eyes. I know you. Forget it.
One, I ain't doin' it, no matter how good it looks.
And two, there's no money in the vault.
- And what have we here? - $275,000.
- Would you mind signing here, Mr. Anderson?
You all right?
See you, boys.
Alvin, come on.
- Merry Christmas. - Good night, sir.
Where the hell are we going in such a hurry?
It doesn't matter. Just get us out of here.
- What's the matter? - What's the matter?
Yeah.
I'm telling you, if I had a gun on me right now...
I'd go in that bank and take that place over.
Say, Bill.
Would you be terribly upset with me if I were to tell you...
that there may possibly be guns...
- in the trunk? - Alvin, pull the car over.
- What? - Pull it over!
All right, all right, all right! Easy!
All right. Get out of the car.
Come on.
- Get out. - All right, all right.
What is your problem?
There's guns in the trunk, and I got a problem?
- Hey, I borrowed the car from Fast Eddie. - Who the hell is Fast Eddie?
- He owns the gun shop on Morris Park Avenue. - Oh, terrific.
So chances are, there's an arsenal back there.
- There's probably a couple of shotguns and.45s. - Oh. Uh-huh.
But you haven't actually seen these guns, have you, Dave.
- No. No,just an assumption. - No, we haven't seen--
Oh, my God! Guns!
Big surprise, huh?
- Which way do you think the mouse is headed?
Hmm.
You idiot! We're about to rob a bank, and you're gonna get us pinched for stealin' hats?
Oh, hey, I'm sorry.
- What? - I was-- I was--
- I was-- - You gotta be kidding me? What are you doing?
Hmm. What?
I can't even--
Oh, and, uh, however much these cost.
Would you quit hoverin' 'round me like bad news?
- What do you want me to do? - Bag this stuff.
- All of it? - No.
Just what you haven't become emotionally attached to.
Oh, Christ on a crooked crutch! Get out of the way!
You boys here for the Winterfest?
No, we're just-- we're just passin' through.
- Just passin' through?
- Just passin' through! - Passin'.
- Whoa! Don't shut it off. - What?
We won't have time to hot-wire it again.
Bill, you do what you do, and I do what I do.
That enhances my sense of security.
All right.
All right. Let's do it!
All right! This is a goddamn robbery!
- Do not move! - Get your hands up now!
- Do not move! - Get 'em up! Get away from that phone! Get 'em up!
Who is talking? Who is talking?
Do you boys really, um-- Do you boys really want to do this?
- Do what? - Wha-- Um--
Heh! You know... rob the bank.
Absolutely! We have thought this over, and this is the thing to do!
- Keep 'em up! - But-But on-on Christmas Eve? l-- Eh-Eh--
It doesn't seem right, don't you think? You're going to ruin the Winterfest.
The Winterfest?
I have a gun... and you're talkin' about the Winterfest?
Well, who are you?
- I'm married to Mr. Anderson... - Ooh, lucky him.
the president of the bank.
l-- Eh-- The bank vault is closed right now. It's locked.
l- It's locked? All right! Who's got the key? Raise your hand!
Rai-- Oh.
All right. Lower your hands. Who's got a key? Raise your hand.
You got-- No? All right. Raise your hands.
- Key! Key! - All right, you fashion queen. Who's got the key?
- My husband is the only one with the key. - Ke-e-ey! Key!
My husband is the only one with a key, and I'm afraid he's out to lunch right now.
Well, when's he get back?
Oh, about, um... 45 minutes.
Okay! Nobody move! Keep your hands up! Stay away from the phones!
Forty-five minutes ain't bad.
- You need a lobotomy. - Don't get nasty with me.
- It was just a suggestion. - Uh-- Eh--
- I'm gonna get ya. I'm comin' at ya. - Oh, oh, oh.
Mrs. Anderson.
- And gotcha! - I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Keep 'em up! - Where are you going?
- I'm going with you to get the key. - No! You stay here!
Don't you two fall in love.
You heard him! I'm staying here!
You do what you do, and I do what I do.
Over there in the-- in the coffee shop.
- Ooh!
Huh? What? What?
Hey. Hey, what's goin' on? We done yet? 'Cause I'm starvin'.
Vault's locked. Gotta get a key. Bank president's in there having lunch. Let's go.
Oh, lunch. Good.
Everybody, nothin's gonna happen. Keep your hands up and relax.
What are you lookin'at?
Look, let's sing a song. All right? It's Christmas.
- Where is he? - That's him in the back.
- Come on! - Oh,you can't get to heaven
That's right. Feel better?
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Mr. Anderson?
- I'll bring him over to the house if it's all right. - That would be nice.
Has he got a friend he wants to bring?
Nobody move, goddamn it! This is a robbery!
It's a robbery! It's a robbery! It's a robbery!
Shh!
Where are you going?
l-- It's a robbery.
I'm going to get you money out of the cash register.
I'm robbing the bank!
Well, the bank... is across the street.
I know the bank is across the street.
I need to get Mr. Anderson over there to open up the vault!
Could you hold this for a second?
Could ya? Thank you so much. All right. That looks tasty. A little salt never hurt.
- Yum, yum. - What are you doing?
- I'm eatin' scrapple. - Don't touch any of that! We're gettin' out of here!
- It's got scallions. - Get your hands up!
Well, well.
Somebody got their Christmas bonus early. What do you think he did? Drink it?
Hey, you're not gonna leave all these people here, are ya?
I mean, any one of them will call the cops the second we're outta here.
And breathe... and let it out.
Good, good. It's just your basic yoga. I learned it in prison.
It's good for tense situations like this-- robbery-- or if you ever do go to prison.
You're surrounded by 10 men. Helps to relax you.
We're just gonna take the money, believe me. No one's gonna get hurt.
- We only want your cash. - Move forward. Move forward. Go in. Move forward.
Everybody come in. Keep your hands up.
Anybody who moves will get shot, as will the person next to you.
The two-for-one thing.
- I just got through relaxin' 'em. You're makin' 'em all panic. - You stay here!
- All right. Get in. Just keep your hands up. - Open the door.
So it's ground beef-cheese-scallion scrapple.
Heh heh! Thanks a lot.
All right. Come on. Let's go. Keep your hands up. Move.
You bring the whole town?
Move forward.
- Go forward. There's plenty of space. - It's okay.
- Move! - I'm mov--
- Who here, this is their first robbery? Raise your hand.
- Back off!.Come on. - Yeah, you? First one?
Come on! Back off. Okay. Back away. Back away!
All right, now. This is just a robbery. No one will get hurt.
For those of you just joining us, keep your hands up. We were doing a little yoga earlier.
I see there's some people still shaking. Let's breathe in.
- We're all right. Just stay out of their way.
And out.
Anybody have to go to the bathroom? Raise your hand.
Huh! Tough! We'll be done here very shortly.
This is something you will be able to take home with you after this robbery--
A little exercise, which it looks like some of you could use. All right?
So, let's breathe in.
Breath in. Good. Hold it. And let it out.
Good. And one more deep breath in.
Everybody. And let it out. Good.
What the hell did you do?
Shit! All right, back away!
Everyone, keep your hands up!
- I'm Alvin Firpo, Officer. I was just here...
waiting to see when the meter ran out.
Where's he goin'?
Aw, g'wan, ya sons of bitches!
- You want a piece of this? Come on! - Oof!.
- Come on. Come on. - Kiss my ass.
Damn!
I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!
- Holy skunk! Yeah, you! - What? - Go!
- Hey! - Alvin!
Is he gonna do it again? Is he gonna do it again?
- Well, didn't go out of your way, did ya? - You're here, ain't ya?
What's that?
Oh, shit. I still got the keys to the vault on me.
Same time next year.
Hey, Mazzucci. Tell us about that bank you broke into.
- I'm tired of tellin' that story. - Aw, Victor, come on.
- All right, all right. - Tell it nice and slow.
Okay. This bank is like a beautiful orchard.
Only instead of fruit, there's money ripening on the vine.
- It's just waiting to be picked. - I love the way he tells this story.
No camera, and the security guard, he's older than water.
- Oh, this can't be true! - Vic, what are we doin' in this joint?
Ooh! Ain't you worried about talkin'here?
- What if somebody beat ya to the punch? - Are you crazy?
Who's gonna double-cross him? He's buried more people than Forest Lawn!
Vic, you know that bank job you guys are always talking about?
- Yeah. What about it? - Was it in Pennsylvania?
- Yeah. Yeah. Why? - Paradise? It just got robbed. Came over the TV.
Hey, Vic. Isn't that where your daughter Sarah works?
Do you think those Firpo brothers had anything to do with it? Those rat bastards.
Vic?
Aagh!
Welcome to Paradise, gentlemen.
Agent Peyser, sir.
- Right this way. - I want agents at every roadblock.
- I don't trust these local cops. - Okay.
I don't care what their story is. Everybody everywhere is a suspect.
- You got it. - Got it.
- Hi. I'm Chief Burnell. - Special Agent Peyser.
- Yeah. This is my son. He's Deputy Timmy Burnell. - Okay. Okay.
- Hi! - Hi.
Move back, please.
Move it! Move it.
- Whoo! - The first thing I want to know--
Do think this bank was hit by locals or outsiders?
I can't really say, but we've never had a problem like this before.
I can't really believe it would be anybody from town.
- Anybody suspicious around before the bank was robbed? - Oh, well--
- Jesus Christ, Bernie. What the hell's goin' on? - Hi, Ed. How ya doin'?
I tell ya, this town is crawlin' with tourists. That's 'cause of our Winterfest.
Your guess is probably as good as mine. But there was three guys in town this morning.
Yeah. Nearly run over my kid.
- I've never seen 'em before. - This way. Watch your step.
It's right through here.
What kind of car was it?
- Ah, an Infinity. - Merry Christmas, Gentlemen.
- Merry Christmas. - The snow came down pretty fast.
Hopefully they're still in the area. Put out an A.P.B. on that car.
- I've already done that. - Good. Well, with any luck, we ought to be able to find 'em...
especially if they're heading north.
Alvin.
What?
Where are we headed?
North.
- How do you know? - I swear we passed that farmhouse before.
Right. Oh, no. All those farm houses, they look alike.
Alvin, if we're going around in circles, I'm gonna break your neck.
I just did what the map said. I made four lefts.
Four lefts is a circle, you idiot!
Are you sure?
- Oh, state trooper. Oh, shit! Shit! - All right! Relax, relax.
- Don't make eye contact. - He's turning around.
- We're just three guys drivin' down the road in a blizzard. - All right.
Nothin' to get nervous about. All right?
He's comin'after us.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. He's gaining on us. - Just relax.
- Yes. - What? - I see it.
- He's gaining on us. - Who cares? Alvin, step on it!
- I don't have any snow chains. - The cop is comin' after us. The cop is comin' after us!
Are you out of your mind? Go!
- Hurry up! - Just be cool. Lay back.
Ow!
Oh, Ow!
Ooh! That hurt.
- Oww! - You all right?
Eh, I didn't have snow chains.
- You have no brain either. - Hey! You guys all right?
- Who the hell is that? - You just shut up, and let me do the talking.
- Wha-- What happened? - Our car ran off the road.
- Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Well, we're not dead, if that's what you mean.
- Didn't have snow chains! - Look, you guys are gonna freeze out here.
- You better get in my car fast! - Can you take us to the interstate?
No! No, the roads to the interstate are closed.
- Can you take us anywhere? - You're gonna be singing at my aunt and uncle's soon.
You may as well brush up here, okay?
- Dick! - Uncle Cliff.
- Aah! Oh. - Oh, you okay?
I'm sorry. I just stubbed my toe.
- Oh, dear. - I'm sorry it took me so long getting here.
This is Bill, Dave and Alvin Firpo.
Gee, Ed. Those were the guys that were in our store, aren't they?
By God, Clovis, that's very observant of you.
You know, it's a good thing they made us deputies, Clovis.
They had an accident up at Hastings. I decided I'd bring them with me.
- Oh, dear! Well, come on in. - I hope you don't mind.
Not at all. Come on in out of the cold.
- Thank you. That's very kind. - Dick's here. He brought some guests.
Merry Christmas.
Think he'll remember us?
- Can I take your bag? - No! Hah!
This is Mrs. Anderson.
These guys had an accident up the road. I decided to bring 'em over here.
Oh.
I remember you from the bank this morning.
- How do you mean? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to come off like I'm interrogating you...
but the bank was robbed this afternoon...
- by three men. - And on Christmas Eve?
Well... what's this world coming to?
Well, of course, I saw you talking with Sarah Upstairs...
so I knew you were all right.
Upstairs?
Oh, we call her Sarah Upstairs. She rents a room from us.
She's been here a couple of years now. Heh!
That is... terrific.
These poor gentlemen. First they get run off the road...
and now we're practically accusing them of being bank robbers.
- Oh! - I think they've had enough excitement for one day.
- Don't you? - You got that right, Mrs. A.
Oh, Mrs.-- I like that.
Oh, Aunt Hetty, um, I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind.
I told these gentlemen I could get 'em a change of clothes.
- No, no, no. - One for you. - Thank you.
Look, you can't do this. These are from your wife, obviously.
Yes, that's right. Now I'm giving them to you. Merry Christmas, boys.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Oh, my goodness, son. Your lip is bleeding.
Oh, my God. I must need some ointment or whatnot.
- He's all right. - Do you got any-- What do you call it--
- ointment or somethin'? - He's all right.
- Oh, no. We'll take care of him right away. - He's all right.
- Don't be long. - I need ointment!
- What's in it? - Oh,you'll have to open it to find out.
Is it clothes? I hope they fit.
- Sarah Upstairs. - Sarah Upstairs.
- I guess I should say Sarah Downstairs. - 'Cause now I'm downstairs.
- When you're Upstairs, you're up. - And--
So what are you doing here?
Uh, it's another long and miserable story that I'd rather not get into right now.
- There's a three-legged dog over there staring at me. - Oh, that's tripod.
We named him Tripod.
He was a stray, he was hit by a truck, and, you know, we took him in.
Poor doggie.
- Oh, you know, you look damp. You must be cold.
- Why don't you change, or-- - Three on each side? Okay.
You know, wash up a little. Get warm.
With interstate 95 being the only major road still open.
The storm dumped 14 inches in Chicago before moving east.
There have been seven deaths attributed to the weather so far.
What are you watchin', Marla?
- Oh,just a little TV. - A daring prison break at Long Island State Prison in New York.
Two inmates took advantage of what is being called the worst blizzard in 17 years...
overpowering three guards and hijacking a laundry truck.
An all-points bulletin has been issued--
Oh ho! That's the spirit we need in this house!
- Whoa! Oh!
- What is wrong with you? - I'm just feelin' good.
I'm feeling so good, I'm gonna call our Ma. Mrs. Anderson, can we call our mother?
Oh, oh, certainly, dear. It's in the hall.
Okay, okay. Bill, come on. Let's call her. I'm dying to hear from her.
What the hell's the matter with you?
Singing at the top of your lungs, jumping around like Fred Astaire!
I got carried away by the Christmas spirit.
I'm sorry I'm not a deadbeat like you, Bill. Huh!
You are really getting paranoid.
- Hello, Ma? - Dave?
- Hey! - Ooh!
If you don't give me that money, I'm gonna throw your mother out the window!
- I don't think she can fly, can she? - Oh, no, no, no.
Flying would be out of the question, especially in this weather.
- What's the problem? - She wants to fly down here.
- Did you rob that bank? - Ah! What an imagination!
- Let me talk to her. - No. You know what she's like when she gets this way.
- She's mad at you. - She's mad at me?
- Yeah. Let me take care of it. - Where are you, goddamn it?
Your mother said you went to Pennsylvania. You got snowed in, didn't you, you dumb bastard?
- Don't you call me-- Now, you listen to me-- - All right.
Wait a sec. Now, Ma, now, you listen to me.
Now, do us both a favor. Don't do anything you'll regret.
When the road clears, we'll come down.
We're not gonna hurt her, as long as you do the right thing.
All right, all right. Love you too.
- Oh! Oh, did you want to talk to her? - Yes, I wanted to talk to her!
I'm takin'some cranberry sauce. It's Christmas. What did that idiot say to ya?
He said he loved me.
That is right. I thought so too.
She is a funny lady. How you guys doin'?
You know what? They got some kinda feast out there, I'm tellin' ya.
- Wait till you see the giblet gravy. - No, Alvin.
We're going to be eating giblets in Attica if we don't get out of here.
Boys. Boys, the dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.
- You better go take your showers. - You got it, Mrs. A.
Mrs. A!
Oh, Mrs. A? Somethin' smells good.
- Nothin' better than that smell in the whole, wide world. - It does smell good.
- Yeah. It smells good. - We got the beginnings of a real situation here.
I just robbed these people. I don't want to get to know them.
Clove...
I sense a conspiracy here.
- Let's radio the Feds. - l--
Clovis...
you know what you are?
What?
- An alarmist. - I am?
Yes, you are. And that's not a good thing to be.
- It's not? - No, it's not...
especially when all this money's at stake.
Bill, would you, uh-- would you please pass me the giblet gravy?
Thank you. Oh. There's some scallions in there.
You know, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson...
I wanted to say my appreciation for your hospitableness.
Heh heh! 'Cause I love these giblets. Look at that.
Scallions too. But anyway...
I just certainly hope we haven't exposed ourselves upon you.
No, no. Not at all.
No. It's been a nice diversion having you three with us.
Mm. Otherwise, we'd just be sitting around, talking about that terrible robbery.
Mr. Anderson, if you don't mind my asking,
exactly how much was taken?
- No. They just said they don't want to talk about it, Dave. - Ehh--
Well, $275,000.
See, I heard that banks always claim...
uh, that more was stolen...
than actually was so they could claim double...
- on the insurance. - Only a crook would do a thing like that.
That would make me no different from the people who robbed me.
Yeah, but what about puttin' all the people to work?
You know, 'cause you have to have all that extra security and everything.
In fact, I heard that bank robberies actually stimulate the economy.
You're enormously misinformed, Mr. Firpo.
The truth is that this robbery will probably put this little bank out of business.
How's that?
Well, for years now, these big-city banks have been threatening to come in...
wanting to take us over.
And now with this robbery, the F.D.I.C. will come in...
and investigate, and find that I make loans to people just on a handshake.
There's really no collateral at all.
And that, gentlemen, will be the end of that.
Well... excuse me, Mr. Anderson, but...
I can't pretend to know too much about these matters.
However, if what you say is true-- which, I'm sure it is--
um, then how could the bank have so much cash on hand?
Well, now, that's the worst part of it.
That's a once-a-year deal.
Over the years, I've persuaded everybody in town to open up a little Christmas club account.
You know, nothing much, but at the end of year, everybody has a few extra dollars.
It adds up. It gives everybody a little extra security and pride.
It kept Main Street alive.
Not this year.
No, sir. Not this year.
I just called the bus station. There's a road to the south open that's going to Philly.
- Oh, that's excellent. - Philadelphia? That's a little out of our way, don't you think?
Alvin, there's a train from Philly to New York. It takes a couple hours.
- Might get there by midnight. - If you'd like to catch it, we should probably go now.
- I think so. - Oh. Well, I'll make you some sandwiches.
No, no. We're fine. Thank you so much for your hospitality.
Do you need any money?
- No, we couldn't. - No, we couldn't. - No, no.
- No. We've taken more than our share already. - No, no. Here. You take this.
- You take this and have a nice, happy, safe, - Mrs. A, please.
eh--
- Don't forget those coats. Merry Christmas. - Thank you. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
- Come again any time. - Thanks for the suit.
Thank you. Thank you for my festive sweater.
Looks like they're going somewhere.
Figured that out, did you?
Did you see the way he was holding that duffle bag?
How?
The same way I would: close to my heart.
We're going for the money. We're not waiting for nobody.
- Right. - What are you saying?
That my boys wouldn't come back and save me?
That they'd rather have a couple of hundred-thousand bucks over a mother's love?
I wouldn't pay three bucks for you.
Can I ask you a personal question?
What were you doing five years for? Stupidity?
Hey, Edna, how'd you like to ride in the trunk of the car?
''Edna''? ''Edna''? Are we sleeping together? I think not.
You call me Mrs. Firpo, goddamn it.
- Don't aggravate the old witch. - I wish I was a witch.
I'd shove my broomstick right up your ass.
I'll say whatever I want. Do you like music?
- Oh,Jesus.
Thanks a lot.
I don't see snow chains.
This was very nice of you. Please tell the Andersons--
- What was that about? - I have no idea.
All right. I'll get the tickets. You two separate.
- ''Separate''? - Just pretend like you don't know each other.
- Do I know you? - No.
- You look familiar. - Well, I'm not.
- Come here. - Get away from me, you nut.
Can't let 'em get on that bus.
We're gonna take that money.
You sure this is the right thing to do, Ed?
Say, ''Spill on aisle three.''
Spill on aisle three.
- You wanna be saying that the rest of your life? - No, I don't.
- Then help me get that money. - Okay.
You're not gonna believe this, but I don't-- I don't have enough money.
Wait a minute.
Hi, sweetie.
- Any luck? - No.
What am l--
What am I gonna... do?
Huh? That's my bus.
- Going home to your fammily? - No,just my mother actually.
Please-- Please, I can't--
I mean, I want it. I can't accept it.
I do-- No, I can't.
You're lucky you're in Paradise. Merry Christmas, sir.
- Why don't you wait inside? - Excuse me.
He's got our money, Clovis.
- Can I check your bags? - Let's see what's in the bag.
- What? - F.B.I. The bag.
- ''The bag''? - The bag, sir.
- Hey! - Get him! Take him down!
Freeze! Freeze!
- Don't move. - Oh, shit!
Oh, my God, a gun!
- Oh, God, he's got a gun! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You got the wrong guy! It's the guy with the floppy ears!
Let's go.
What happened?
No! No! No!
- What's going on here? - We may have found two of our suspects.
All right, all right, all right.
- Oh, shit. - What? You know him?
Yeah, unfortunately. That's Ed Dawson and Clovis Minor.
- They're both my deputies. - Hey, how you doin', fellas?
That, by God, was close. That was close.
Now our ride's gone. Shit!
- What the hell happened back there? - I have no idea!
I don't like this.
We're screwed.
Come on. Y-Y-You gotta think of a way to get us out of here.
All right! Quit pressuring me, please!
Look, there's only one way I can think of that's gonna get us out of here...
and it's a longshot.
Let me get this straight.
- You had no idea what was going on in that bus station. - No, sir.
Your gun just happened to go off three times in a row by itself.
No. I thought what I saw might be a suspect.
So, maybe my partner Clovis and I got a little...
over-anticapatory.
Agent Peyser-- Excuse me. Will you guys knock it off,please?
Just put the ball away for now. Thank you.
These kids tell me they saw three guys push a car into the river this afternoon.
- They tell me they can show us the exact spot. - Hallelujah. Huh?
- Are you coming along with us? - No, no, no. Not you two.
Just stay out of my sight.
Will you just cool it?
You know, I just hate to ruin this Hallmark moment.
Would you get over here and help me lug this boat to the river!
That's it. We're done being nice to you.
Get out,you pain in the ass. I've had it with you.
Enough is enough. Come on. Get out.
- You call this being nice? - This is as nice as we're gonna get.
Putting a gun to my head and dragging me across three states on the night Christ was born.
- Gag her. - You're doing me a goddamn favor!
You think this is torture?
Anything's better than looking at you two gorillas and listening to your horse shit.
- Just get in the trunk. - You guys are dumber than a box of hair.
- Gag her! - Oh, cut it out. You can't--
Good night, Edna.
Hey, we made it!
Come on. The harder we row, the faster we go. Come on!
Wha-- Wait a minute. What?
- Bill, you're a genius. - Yeah, but in the Firpo family...
the man with half a brain is king.
Come on. Row, row! Like a Viking, Alvin!
- Row! Row! - Like a Viking!
Alvin!
- Alvin! - Alvin, come back!
Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
Help!
Down this side. This side.
Help! Help!
- Look. - Over here.
Over by the rock.
There's a man in the water.
- Here. - Hang on. We're gonna get you out of there.
Hold on, Alvin!
- Oh! - I got ya.
- Hang on, son. - Give me a hand.
Hang on! Grab my hand!
Alvin, grab his hand!
Come on. Just grab it.
- Give him your hand. - I got him!
Right in this room.
Lay him down by the fire.
Oh, Christ. He looks like he's turning blue.
- What's that mean? - He's got water in his lungs.
Just stay back there. Give me some room here.
Come on, son. Spit some of that stuff out of there. Come on.
Come on. There.
That means he's going to be all right.
- Who are you? - I'm Fred.
- Flinstone? - Yes.
There. He'll be all right now.
How about a little soup and brandy?
- Mix the two together? - No, the brandy's for me.
Oh.
I think we lucked out with those kids.
- Boy, the car's soaked good. - Yeah.
Let's roll it over. We gotta get it in the truck.
- Anybody got a crowbar? - Yeah.
- Get it. - We gotta get a crowbar here, okay?
Give me some light.
Might find a walleye in there. See anything?
No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- What the hell are those things? - Ski masks.
Merry Christmas!
- Thank you. That's sweet of you. - Thank you very much.
That's my sister. You know.
I don't think you'll be able to smoke when we go into church.
I wanna thank you for saving my life.
You know, almost drowning and everything.
Oh, you don't have to put it out now.
You could have puffed a little longer.
Oh, this is nice.
- Look, there's Timmy. - Merry Christmas, Timmy.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas to you.
I thought you boys were on your way to Philadelphia.
Well, the bus left without us.
- Oh, well. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
- Can I talk to you a minute? - Merry Christmas, Father.
I'm going to confession.
They don't have confession. They're Protestants.
- Are you shitting me? - No.
I don't care. I'm going in anyway.
All right. I'll be out here with the... do-re-me.
Why are you still here?
Why am I still here? What?
You sound like you're anxious to get rid of us. What's the matter?
- I just wish you'd go. - Why is that?
You know, I think you did something stupid today.
Something you may regret.
Your last name isn't Collins, is it?
No. No, it's not.
I've lied to a lot of people I care about, so please,just go while you can.
Sarah.
I can't.
You can't what?
- I can't leave knowing what I know. - What are you saying?
I'm saying-- I'm saying I like these people too.
I like them too. And I wish that I could think of something to make this all better.
Maybe you're not thinking hard enough.
Look, can I ask you a question?
Do you think people change?
Do you believe a person can be on one road their whole life...
and then just back up and take another?
- I think that all depends. - Depends... on the road.
It depends on the person.
Depends on the person.
This headstone says Anderson.
Is that any relation?
It's Clifford's great-grandfather.
''1835-1892. ''
God. Your whole life's in that dash, isn't it?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
You don't know me.
Sorry.
- Easy, now. Easy, now, Merlin. - Bill, get in. Whoa!
Bill, 20 years minimum. Get in.
- Tell him to get in. - I don't know about taking the kid's sleigh.
- There's something ain't right about that. - I'll get in.
After all these presents and stuff.
- Oh, no, cops! - Hey!
- Come on, Bill. Get in. - Hey, that's Timmy's sleigh!
What'd he call it? Yahoo! Whoo!
Come on, Merlin! Come on! Come on!
What do you call it? Gallop! That's it! That's it! Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Look out! Look out! Get out of the way!
Yahoo! Yahoo!
Come on, Clovis. I know a shortcut.
What's going on here?
I don't know, but those three guys stole my kid's horse and sleigh.
Merlin! Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Merlin! Dad! They took Merl-- - Yeah. Yeah, I know.
- Stay here! I know that! - But, Dad, they took Merlin!
- Good shot. - Hey, see you guys.
That wasn't fair! Hey!
I hate this town. I hate it.
I hate it. Christmas Eve, and my wife had the--
I didn't get to see that thing pop up on the turkey. I was-- I hate it.
A sleigh? Catch the sleigh!
Faster! Faster!
Come on! Come on! Go!
Run! Run, Merlin! Run!
- Whoo! - Turn! Turn! To the right! Okay!
Whoa!
Look out. Look out. Jesus.
Back up. We're gonna lose them.
- Oh, God! - Go, Alvin, go!
- Go! - Alvin, do you know what you're doing?
You do what you do, I do what I do!
Then hurry up!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Hi, Officer! Bye, Officer! - Go! Yeah!
Yes! Yes!
Oh, my God!
Whoo!
Unbelievable. Ow! Unbelievable.
Come on. Keep going. Go.
- On 'em, on 'em, on 'em, on 'em, on 'em! - Go! Go!
We got 'em. Come on!
Run right up into them.
Right up into them.
Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, Merlin.
Hey, thanks a lot, okay?
We really appreciated it.
I'm never gonna forget you.
All right. You're a good horse. Stay strong.
Bill. Hey, Bill, wait a minute.
We can't leave him here.
I mean, I couldn't live with myself if I froze a horse, especially him.
You're cracking up. Both of you.
Come on.
You stay there, Merlin. Stay there.
Bill, we made it. Alvin, we made it.
All right. Let's all stick our thumbs out and look pitiful.
- That should be easy. - Easy. Pitiful. Thumbs.
- Hey, stop. - Here we go. We're here.
- I can't tell you how happy I am. - Hi. How are you?
My name is Dave.
Oh, man.
- We were out here skiing, and the back of it-- - Oh, man!
No, no, no.
All right. All right!
Oh, no!
- Who needs you? Forget it. - Hold on, Merlin!
We're coming, Merlin!
- We gotta get him out. - You're not gonna die.
You're not gonna die!
- Cut it out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Come on!
Hold him! He's coming! Get around his back! Push him! Push him!
- Come on! Come on! Come on! - Get him out of the water!
- Push! - Go! Go!
- Go! - He's coming out!
- Coffee? - You bet.
- Can I take your order now? - I'm not quite sure.
Guys...
I still got the keys to the vault on me.
I'm gonna go back to town, and I'm gonna put the money back.
I know I didn't hear you right.
You can either come with me or not, but that's what I'm doing.
Bill, I think that dunk in the lake got to your brain.
- You are not thinking clearly. - No, I'm thinking very clearly.
You hear that? Silent night, holy night.
''Adeste Fideles.'' ''God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.''
This is the best Christmas present I could ever give to you.
I appreciate the sentiment. You let me decide what I get for Christmas.
This money belongs to me and Alvin too, you know.
It never belonged to us. It belonged to the town.
What are you telling me?
That you are going to be the first guy in history to get pinched...
for putting money back into a vault?
If I get pinched, I get pinched. That's the way that one went.
I'm not gonna sit here and argue with you about it.
- He's telling us what to do with our share of the money. - Put my share back.
What is wrong with you guys?
You have a couple of eggnogs with some farmers...
and now you wanna go back and work for minumum wage?
- Make up your mind, 'cause I'm going. - No, you're not.
You're not going! You are still a wanted man in New York!
- No, he's not. - Yes, he is!
No, he's not. All right? It's over.
The whole thing...
was a... setup...
just to get you down here.
Now, one other thing.
Does that look familiar?
It's a little wet...
but it's--
it's yours.
You never-- You never did drop it.
What are you looking at? What?
But there were ten million cops at the restaurant.
I did it.
I called them.
I told them.
I told them there was a sniper on the roof.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right. Except--
Oh!
Sorry. Put the table on their tab.
He's got the spirit, don't he?
He handled that pretty well.
Did you see my Pez dispenser anywhere?
No. Shut up. Check!
- Hey, hey! Excuse me, sir. I've got an emergency.
- Are you headed towards Paradise? - No, I'm going to New York.
Where were you five hours ago?
- You going south? - Nope.
Hey, Edna, can I get you anything?
Come on. Don't take all night putting this gas in.
Excuse me. Would you mind telling me which way you're headed?
- Get outta here. - It's an emergency. I've gotta get to Paradise.
We don't like to ride with strangers.
- Come on, man. It's Christmas. - What the hell.
A little company might be good. Come on.Jump in.
- I told you not to say anything. - I can keep a secret.
I told you to shut up, and you-- You're supposed to be on my side.
- Shit. - What?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Nice coat. Who shot the couch?
- No, goddamn it! Sons of bitches! - It's all right.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, guys.
Rough night?
You have no idea what kind of night I've had.
I'm just real lucky you're going the same way as me.
- What's that banging noise? - I don't hear nothing.
Me either.
Wait a minute. No, no, wait. There it goes again.
It's a very distinct thumping sound.
Kind of like a boom, boom, boom. Don't you hear it?
Oh, yeah. We've been hearing that all night.
Hey, can I share something with you?
Yeah.
I know I just met you guys, and it's kind of corny...
but tonight's been a real eye-opener for me.
- How's that? - I just--
I realized tonight that I love people, you know?
I mean, life is great. Yeah? Huh? Isn't life great?
- You sound like you're in love. - Well, as a matter of fact...
I just met this really terrific woman.
What's her name?
- I can really use something like that in my life. - What's her name?
- Her name's Sarah. Yeah. - Sarah?
- You got a picture? - Do you have any idea how long it's been...
since I've had a picture of a woman in my wallet?
- Except my mother, of course. - You got a picture of your mother in your wallet?
- Yeah. - I have the same thing in my wallet.
Well, then let's compare.
It's a beautiful thing.
I really hope we can all get to be friends.
There she is.
What are you doing?
- I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch! - What are you doing?
Stop it! Are you crazy? Stop it!
- Put the gun down! - Get off of me!
- The cops are down the street. - He's got our money!
- Just get in the car. - I'll kill him.
- Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Merlin!
Hold on! Hold on! Whoa!
What do you call it? Whoa, Merlin! That-a-boy. Okay.
- Hey, look who it is! - Get in, Bill.
- We gotta have a serious talk! Now get me the hell outta here! - Uh-oh.
Serious talk. Come on. Come on, Merlin.
What do you call it? Whoa.
So, I guess we have a clean slate now. Huh?
Good boy, Merlin.
Go home now. Stay off the interstate.
There you go.
Not quite.
Shh!
Quiet, okay?
So I get into the car with these two strangers, and--
this is very funny--
I show them a picture of Ma, and they start shooting at me.
That's weird.
- That's weird. - Do you have any idea why?
Maybe it was a bad picture.
Hey! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Who are they?
Hey, Bill, I mean, were they alone?
I said there were two of them.
- There was nobody else with them? - I just said there were two of them.
They were alone.
I just said there were two of them!
- Oh, good. - What do you mean, ''Oh, good''?
I mean-- What do I mean, Dave?
He-- He--
He means that...
if there were more than two, you could have been hurt.
Three's bad. That's right.
I'm getting this feeling...
that you're not telling me something!
Yeah, well, this feeling you're getting is paranoia!
- I don't think so! - Well, think again!
Come on. Let's just go.
I'm almost certain this one's it.
Hey, Bill, a guy in prison told me if you use the wrong key...
you could set off the alarm.
Why don't you let me do the crackin'...
and you do the jackin'?
Hey, leave him alone, Bill. Prison's a lonely place.
- You told. - Sure, I heard things in the night.
Shut up!
Shit! I told ya!
- Stop the madness! - All right, all right, all right.
It said ''Nissan.'' Nissan.
- Nissan's for a car. - But it was round...
- Okay! All right! - with a curve that goes like an ''S.''
- Hurry up, Bill! - Okay! Okay!
You're kidding me.
- Agent Peyser? - What?
- You're not gonna believe this. - Oh, come on. Try me.
We got another alarm at the bank.
Yes! Yes!
No! Shit!
I know what to do.
That's the most money I ever held at once.
You're right, Bill.
Never was ours.
I tell you, I never felt better in my life.
Where'd you go for that tire? Palm Beach?
Sorry, Ed.
Holy shit. Get down, Clovis. Get down.
Boy, am I good.
Get inside of theJeep, or I'll blow your heads off.
You know, every time there's a problem, those two idiots show up.
I'm telling you, they know something.
Listen, guys. Where are you taking us? What is this?
Up to that bank president's house.
''Bank-- '' ''Bank president''? What are you talking about?
What do you think, we're stupid?
No, I don't think you're stupid, but I know how to keep you in suspense.
- How? - I bet I know how to keep you in suspense.
- How? - For Christ's sake, Clovis! They're bullshitting you!
- We know that's where the money is. - Money? What money?
- Yeah, we-- we don't have any money. - Oh, shut up, will you?
You don't think we know what you're doing?
You and the Andersons probably cooked this whole thing up together.
Looks like they got company with them in thatJeep.
All units, this is Agent Peyser.
We are in pursuit of a 1994 black Pathfinder.
- License plateD-U-H-- - That's appropriate.
Vanity plates.
D- U-H-1-7-1.
Location: east on Main Street, heading toward River Road.
''So, uh, what kind of license plate do you have?''
''Duh.''
Come on! Move it!
Come on!
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Come on!
Look at those clowns.
Why don't wejust take 'em?
No. Let's wait and see what they're up to.
Hit the wipers.
Am I nuts? I know those plates.
Where do I know those plates from?
Something came over the wire tonight about two escaped convicts...
in a Caddy with New York plates.
That's right. Get on the horn. Get everybody down here.
You're gonna have to kill me, because I'm not dragging those people in that house into this.
So why don't you just pull your trigger?
There's no money, all right? So just get it out of your head.
They're here.
Yep. They're here.
Let's take them down.
Come on, pecker head! Move!
Clovis, watch these three clowns while I check out the house.
Okay, Ed.
Season's greetings. Santa Claus is coming to town.
Shut up and get inside.
Well, well, well. Doesn't that figure? Get out of my face.
- Shut up and get in. - Ma! What--
What-- What are you doing here?
I'm being held hostage on the night babyJesus was born. What the hell does it look like?
Get over there.
- Please don't tell me you knew about this. - Uh, no. No, l--
I'm sorry. I know it's bad.
- Whoa.
- I'm sorry, Ma.
I'm sorry, everybody.
- I swear I'm gonna get us all out of this. - Oh, no. Come on.
It wasn't your fault. It was my fault, Ma. l-- I convinced Bill...
that he was a wanted man in New York and he had to come down here.
No choice. But he resisted, every step of the way.
- Sarah, he didn't know about your father. - Yeah, sure.
No. He really thought he was dying, and he came down here to help you.
- What are you talking about? - Just give us the money, and we're out of here.
You're in for a rude awakening, because there's no money! Okay?
- No! No! - V-V-Vic, listen to me.
There's no money. He's not lying. I swear on my mother's grave.
Don't say that with this lunatic pointing a gun at my head.
Are you telling me you didn't rob the bank?
Is it true?
Yeah. We did it, Mr. Anderson, and we're sorry.
But I swear we're not the same people we were this morning. I swear it.
- Oh, where's my violin? - Vic, you gotta believe us.
These people, they're good people.
They took us in, and they treated us like we was one of their own.
- And all we could do in return was steal from them.
Vic, these people had nothing to do with this. You gotta let 'em go!
We can solve this between us.
I'll let 'em go as soon as I get my money.
Vic, we put the money back.
Put it back? Back in the bank?
No.
We gave the money to the church.
You expect me to believe that horse shit? Who wants to die first?
Pop, will you knock it off?
Who gets shot first? Suspenders.
Then maybe you.
Get down. Get down. Way down, boys. Get down.
- Yes, sir. - What's going on here?
I've got bad news. We got a hostage situation.
And your son's inside.
Move! Move up!
This is the F.B.I. You're completely surrounded.
Lay down your weapons. Come out with your hands above your head.
Sit down! Sit down, or I'm gonna shoot somebody! Sit down!
I can't go back to prison. I learned my lesson already.
Look what you started, you big gorilla.
Look what I started? I don't know what you're talking about.
Your idiot sons. If it wasn't for them, we'd be in prison without a care in the world.
If it wasn't for your goddamn, long-winded, piece-of-shit letter...
whining about how your daughter doesn't come visit you no more...
I never would've sent my boys down here in the first place.
I never wrote any letter.
Ma.
Who wrote what to whom?
It's a moot point at this juncture. Don't you think?
Especially given the gravity of the situation...
outside.
It just never ends with you.
No.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Nose is as long as a telephone wire.
- Come on, Caesar. We're getting out of here. - Don't make me shoot you.
- You shut up. - Liar, liar.
What starts in fun ends in tears.
- Liar! - Caesar, I said let's get out of here.
You son of a bitch!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Stay on the floor! - Why don't you put some guns on me?
Timmy!
- I got the guy. I'm the one who got the guy. - We've got it all under control!
- This is a big mistake. I can explain everything.
Clovis, what the hell did you do now?
- Over here! - Move! Move!
Come on, come on.
Come on! Get everybody out!
We didn't do that, did we?
Come on. Let's go.
Get him out.
Line them right up behind me.
Come on. Keep moving. Keep moving.
Come on, guys. Let's go. Keep it moving.
Come on, buddy.
Send those escaped cons back to New York before they ruin my Christmas.
All the way in. Let's go.
Watch the shirt. It was a present.
I'm a deputy, for Christ's sake! I demand to know what the hell's going on here!
- Get some chairs out here. - I didn't take Merlin.
Pull out some of those chairs. See how many we can get.
Pull out some of those chairs. That'll be fine.
All right, all right, all right.
Shut up!
Shut-- Quiet, please.
Thank you.
Father Gorenzel, can we talk?
Of course, Sarah. I'm always available to talk.
Come in. Come in.
You won't believe what happened.
I just got back from church. There was a knock on the door, and this...
was lying outside.
This note was with it.
''Please take this money. It belongs to the people of Paradise.
The Three Wise Men.''
What did he say?
He said it's time to forgive.
I'm sorry, Cliff, that I didn't tell you everything about myself.
It wouldn't have mattered if you had.
Uh, Mrs. Anderson...
you were probably closest to the perpetrators at the time of the robbery.
- Yeah, that's right. - Okay.
Now, can you identify these three men as the men who robbed the bank?
No, I don't believe so.
How can you be so sure?
Well, to begin with, the robbers were wearing masks.
- Deputy Timmy? - Sir.
You were in the house at the time.
Why don't you tell the people what the hell was going on?
They saved us from being hurt. That's what happened.
What a crock of stinking horse shit.
What do you know? You slept through the whole thing.
I wanna know how exactly you two seem to fit into all this.
We're deputies, for Christ's sake. Right, Bernie?
We were trying to make an arrest.
These three were in my store a half hour before the robbery, and they bought three ski masks.
Whoa. Wait a minute. You withheld this information? Huh?
Oh,Jesus, uh--
Spill on aisle three. Spill on aisle three.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Spill on aisle three!
Spill on aisle three! Spill on aisle three! Spill on aisle three!
- And then everyone was hustling sandals-- - Sit down! Sit down!
- And I didn't-- What? - Sit down.
This was something I didn't quite put together till just now.
If these three guys aren't the crooks, I'd like to know--
- Sit down. - Then where the hell...
are the three ski masks they bought from my store?
You wanna see three ski masks?
- Yeah. - Is that it?
I'll show you three ski masks. Right in there.
Guess what? There's one, two.
Can we make it three? Three ski--
- Sit down, you clown. - Okay.
Everything I got points to you three.
And don't give me that ''Who, me?''look.
I can't believe the only thing I got you on is some parole violation.
You didn't rob the bank? I wanna know exactly where you were at the time of the robbery.
They were with me Christmas shopping.
- What? - It's true, Agent Peyser.
I saw them all go together.
Now I remember. I saw them too.
All right, all right. Shut up! Shut up!
E- E-Ed, swallow that.
Christmas shopping.
Something tells me I'm really getting jammed.
Let me guess.
- It's the money from the robbery. - Money.
Some-- Somebody... dropped it outside... my front door.
And you have no idea who it might have been?
I don't know. l- I was praying.
Oh, well, you're a priest. Yeah.
We'll talk later.
What the hell's going on in this town? Huh?
What-What-What- What-What-What--
Come here.
I don't know what the hell happened in this town...
and it's obvious nobody here is gonna tell me.
But I suspect that you three are getting the break of a lifetime.
Don't screw it up. You understand?
'Cause it's not gonna come around again.
We won't, sir.
Get out of here.
Ma.
Give me that. You're gonna lose it.
Well, I know it sounds dumb, but...
I'm really proud of you three.
Thanks, Ma.
And you're through with all this nonsense, right?
- Oh, absolutely. - Yeah.
You got it, Ma.
Hey, what?
- I paid for that. - Mine.
- I paid for that. - I didn't see nothing.
- Tell her. I paid for it. - No.
- You saw me buy it. - I saw nothing.
- Tell it, Dave! - I'm a blind man.
- l-- l-- You're not-- - Who's lying now?
- I guess I just want to say good-bye. - I'm glad.
Did things work out between you and your dad?
Well, I guess I got nothing to hide now, so--
I don't know. Maybe there's hope for him.
Good.
- It's my bus. I guess I better get going, right? - Yeah.
Listen. How would you feel if I were to settle down in a place like this?
A place like this? Or this place?
Maybe I could manage some little restaurant down here.
Get you half off on lunch, free coffee with every meal.
I'll see you every morning in the bank when I'm making my deposits.
- Stay out of the bank, all right? - Give me a chance.
- Bill-- - Maybe we could hit it off.
Look.
Check out Bill. He's really going for it.
- Hey, man, get a room. - What for?
- What--
Hey, Ma, what are you so happy about?
Well, your brother's got himself a girlfriend.
- Is he coming with us? - No.
- Should we go get him? - No, you sit down.
- He's staying here. - Oh.
Speaking of which, when are you two gonna get hitched?
- ''Get hitched.'' - We're not even attracted to each other.
Hey.
Bye, Mom!
Bye, Dave! Bye, Alvin!
Bye, sweetie!